Choke back the words I long to say
Close my eyes until the tears go away
Clear my throat
Brush back my hair with my hand
Put on my practiced smile
The show must go on
I lie so much
To everyone and myself
I began to believe that it didn’t hurt
to say goodbye to you,
To hear about the things I used to do
To act as though I’m the person you’re looking at
Until the lie became true
My feelings locked away
Why would I ever open my mouth and speak
Those words I long to say
It’s so much easier
To pretend I’m happy this way
To pretend my laugh isn’t a mutilated cry
Or that my smile isn’t a thought of dying
That the sparkle in my eye is life
And not a choked back tear